The Art of Setting Boundaries

Boundaries or limits are those invisible parameters people set that create some space between themselves and others. They are the internal and external spaces that separate the individual from the surrounding world and others.  Boundaries can be physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Boundaries or limits determine what type of behavior, style of communication, or influence one accepts from others.  Healthy boundaries are essential to mental health and improving one’s quality of life.  Setting boundaries also encourages respectful communication, and others learn what our limits are.  Boundaries are designed to help create a feeling of safety, both physical and emotional, and to make you feel comfortable. They reflect the level of self-awareness, self-esteem, and interaction with the surrounding world.  They influence what we are willing to do and not do, decide whether we will speak out or not, communicate our needs and limits effectively or withdraw entirely from the situation without saying a word.  Aim for a balance between your individuality and independence and your connection with the outer world.   

Boundaries might include what you are willing to share or not share with others, for example, you may share more personal information with a close friend and most likely will not be comfortable doing this with the salesclerk at the grocery store and might not find it appropriate.  People that score high in empathy and compassion towards others have a healthy need to set boundaries or risk feeling drained and exhausted.  There are closer boundaries where people are quite comfortable being in close proximity to others and further boundaries where people are much more comfortable talking to each other from a distance or keep each other at arm's length.  Often, this sense of boundaries varies from one culture to another.  For example, in some cultures prolonged eye contact is considered aggressive and impolite whereas in other cultures it is considered rude not to make eye contact and a sign of a lack of self-confidence or a sign of disrespect or inattention to the other person.  We can see here where there is a lot of room for misunderstandings between people.  It would be a good idea to become familiar with non-verbal boundaries, particular to different cultures when traveling, for example, to avoid any possible confusion.  

Sometimes when people are angry with others, they may cross their boundaries getting into their physical space to make a point.  This is considered aggressive and most likely will result in the other person, the partner, feeling uncomfortable and feeling a sense that their personal space has been violated.  Couples can sometimes get like this when they become angry and want to make a point about something or feel they haven’t been heard.  For example, walking into their partner’s personal space while they’re performing some ordinary everyday tasks like washing the dishes to make a point about something.  This example is an example of overstepping boundaries when the comment could most likely wait for a better time.  This is a way of respecting other people’s personal space and boundaries and choosing the right time to discuss things.  Developing an assertive style of communication instead of an aggressive one, helps maintain a balance between one’s own needs and the needs of others. This contributes to the structure of stable and constructive relationships.  Developing assertiveness skills supports healthy boundaries and creates more harmonious relationships with the world.  ( Chernata, 2024) 

People who have had their boundaries constantly violated have a hard time setting boundaries with others.  They may feel that they are not allowed to do so as they were never given the opportunity to learn and practice ways to set boundaries with others. Any effort they made to set boundaries with others was stifled.  It is possible for these individuals to learn to set healthy boundaries with others and also to choose to be around people who value and welcome these practices.  Some people’s sense of boundaries are so distant and closed that it robs them of the connection necessary to have and keep healthy relationships.  It isn’t necessary to understand why people are the way they are, where they learned their behavior in the past but having overall knowledge can be helpful.  What’s more important is to practice creating and setting healthy boundaries in one’s present life to be able to enjoy positive uplifting relationships with others.  Once we recognize others boundaries or their attempts to set them, it is important to respect these boundaries. Crossing these boundaries can lead to conflict and create more unnecessary problems or stress in the relationship. 

Here are some helpful suggestions to help you to create healthy boundaries with others: 

--Start by getting to know yourself and where your comfort lies.  Try it with your partners or loved ones.   Start a conversation with them at different levels of proximity to identify where your comfort lies and the point at which you start to feel uncomfortable and awkward. Become acquainted with your inner boundaries. Recognize your limits and learn to say no. According to Glover, a contemporary researcher, understanding when to agree or say no is the basis of comfortable communication with other people. 

--Understand what it is that you or your partners, friends and loved ones need to evolve in a healthy way.  Do you need to communicate your needs more clearly and as honestly as possible in order to improve the relationship.  Do you need to practice the art of saying no without feeling guilty if you are starting to feel exhausted and drained from overwork or over volunteering for a good cause and have accidentally overextended yourself. Do not allow others to place you on a guilt trip and do not give in to manipulation. Avoid people-pleasing. Enjoy your alone time. 

--Set the parameters and stick with them.  Decide when you will say yes and when you will say no.  Give yourself the permission to honor that inner voice and don’t feel guilty about it. Don’t feel the need to over explain yourself.  This will boost your confidence.  Knowing and respecting your limits is healthy and your peace of mind will thank you for it.  Be kind and empathic towards others, yes. Overextend yourself to a point of burnout, no. 

--Tune in to your physiology.  How does your body feel when your boundaries have been crossed.  Do you feel your heart racing, do you start to break out in a sweat.  How do you feel at that moment.  Do you feel angry and annoyed.  How will you respond and not overreact in this situation.   

--Speak up.  Part of the process of setting healthy boundaries is communicating our needs clearly. Be specific and try not to blame the other person. Make use of “I” statements.  For example, “I am sorry.  I know how much this means to you but during this time I have other commitments that mean a lot to me.  Let’s try to find another time that works for the both of us”. 

Hang in there and be patient.  Setting healthy boundaries with people takes practice and time.  It might actually feel unnatural at first to communicate in a different way than you’re used to.  Using “I” statements is effective, but it could take time before it starts to feel natural and becomes part of your new style of communication.   

If you feel that your boundaries or lack of boundaries with others are affecting your relationships, damaging your romantic relationships, don't hesitate to reach out and visit www.saraperrettatherapy.com and book your therapy session today.